I'm Not Sorry

As I mentioned in my previous post, the weekend I had at Chico Hot Springs with all the wonderful ladies the Montana Farmers Union Women's Conference, was nothing short of outstanding. It was a weekend of emotions. In fact, when I got home and was debriefing a bit with my husband, I told him that the estrogen ocean ran deep! And it was AWESOME! We laughed, we cried, we leaned on each other, and encouraged one another.

One of our speakers, Lisa Schmidt, brought up something she referred to as "distortion." Lisa is a pretty cool lady and she and I have something in common which, again, deserves its own post, so I'll get into that on another day. What she meant by distortion was that fogginess we get about ourselves when our lives get busy and we get away from staying true to who we are. It's the voice inside our head that pops up when we have ideas and says, "I"m not so sure you can really do that..." It's our own self doubt and everything that gets in the way of letting our own light shine. That's what she meant by distortion.

Lisa asked the question, "How do we undistort our distortion?" and many audience members raised their hands with excellent ideas. My contribution to the discussion was, "Stop saying I'm sorry." What I mean by that is don't apologize for being who you are. I find that so often I am saying "I'm sorry," when I have done absolutely nothing wrong. Another good example (or bad, depending on how you look at it) is when I begin a statement of sharing my opinion with the phrase "I'm sorry." For example, "I'm sorry, but I really think that this dinner would have been better with some chocolate cake!" Why should I be sorry for my opinions? I shouldn't be. Does anyone else fall into the trap of apologizing needlessly?

I just found this great video on YouTube that sums up exactly what I'm talking about. It's about a minute long and it's definitely worth a view!

So, after submitting to the group that we all stop saying sorry, I had to put it into practice for myself. Easier said than done! The first real challenge for me came when I was out for a run on Sunday morning.

Now, let me give a bit more background information. Many of you who read my blog or know me know that I love to run, and that I'm also a member of Team Beef Montana. Through the (sometimes) miracle of connectivity that is the internet, I had met a fellow Team Beef runner, Christy. Christy has been an active member of Team Beef for about four years and has a really great blog, too, called My Dirt Road Anthem at www.christyruns.com.  One day in the not so distant past, I read on Christy's blog that she, too, had signed up for the MFU Women's Conference! Awesome! I was so stoked to meet her in person!

Here's an awesome photo of Christy I snuck during the very last session of the conference! 

In addition to being a wonderful, kind, beautiful inside-and-out person, Christy is also a really good runner. And by good I mean much faster than me. Ha! Somewhere in the back of my mind when packing for the weekend, I thought to myself that it would be really cool to go for a morning run sometime with Christy while at Chico. Sure enough, on Saturday we made a plan to do just that. We decided to meet at 6:15 the next morning for a brief run.

I did mention to Christy when we were making our plans that I knew my pace was slower than hers. I also knew in my mind that she had been following my blog long enough to have a pretty good idea of what my pace was, and she had asked me to run anyway! Plus, for me, it was about getting outside, running with someone (for once!), feeling the fresh air, enjoying the scenery, and getting to know Christy better, all while getting some exercise.

When my alarm went off at 6, I foolishly looked up the temperature on my phone and found that it was a brisk 2 degrees outside. I hastily bundled up in pretty much all of the clothing I had packed that could pass as running clothes and stepped outside right at 6:15. There was Christy's smiling face waiting for me! I know that if I hadn't made a concrete plan with her, I likely would have convinced myself that 2 is too cold and just rolled over and stayed in bed. Accountability is a wonderfully effective motivator.

This was the view on our running route! Lovely, no?

I made it a mental goal when getting dressed and starting out on the run that I was not going to apologize during the run. I knew I'd be slow, and I was. My goal was to not say something like, "Christy, I'm so sorry that I'm so slow!" It would have been easy to say. The excuses I could have made were plentiful: It's really cold. I'm not used to altitude. I'm slow. I'm tired. I haven't eaten. I'm used to running on flat land, not mountains. I have a sideache. But not once did I say, "I'm sorry I'm so slow." Not once did I say, "I'm sorry I'm holding you back." What I did tell myself was, here is someone who wants to run with me, I am enjoying her company, and that's what this is about.

A bit blurry due to the settings not being quite right on my phone, not due to the photographer! 

I ignored the call-outs from Christy's phone that told us the pace we were running (slow), and focused on the conversation, the scenery, starting a new friendship, and the feeling of power that arises within me when I am running, even at a slow pace. I focused on distance covered, getting to the top of the hill, and having fun. I didn't say I'm sorry. Not once.

Later, when I saw Christy back at the conference, I said thanks again for the run and I told her that I had really needed that run that morning. It was true. I needed it for the exercise (it's hard to get a lot of movement in at conventions- lots of sitting!) and I needed it for the mental break. I also needed it to practice not being sorry for who I am. I have the pace that I have. I have the opinions that I have. I have the personality that I have. I am me, and I'm not sorry. That run that morning was exactly what I needed to show myself that it can be done. So, thanks Christy, for helping me achieve that!

I know that I will still slip and say sorry when it doesn't need to be said, but I am going to keep trying to get better at cutting through the distortion. Will you do the same?